The State of ECW for July

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ecw

We here at Ring Psychology understand that it may have been some time since you’ve followed wrestling regularly. Perhaps you’re looking to jump back into it, but you’re concerned you won’t understand what’s going on. “Oh no,” you may be thinking, “I don’t want to look like a fool in front of my wrestling friends if I can’t tell The Miz from The Morrison!” Don’t worry, we’re here to help! “The State of…” will provide key storyline info and identify the main players of all the major television shows…and ROH, too!

ECW is WWE’s third-tier weekly show and its third “distinct” “brand”. You may remember ECW as a scummy promotion where fat guys in T-shirts climb ladders up to where barbed wire is hanging from the ceiling for some reason. You may even remember the more recent Vince McMahon-owned ECW where Bobby Lashley took all of the steroids ever and then quit because Michael Hayes hates black people. In today’s WWE, ECW is the show/promotion where they bring the rookies up from their developmental territory FCW, have them be in really great matches, and then when they’re ready (or not) send them up to Smackdown or Raw, where Big Show will beat them all in one match. Since they’re using ECW almost exclusively as a launching pad for new talent, it’s insanely watchable, and the one-hour show usually features more minutes of wrestling than the weekly two-hour TNA Impact.

The General Manager of ECW is “Tiffany” who is basically the worst actor ever. Like if Mark Wahlberg’s performance in “The Happening” was a blond in a pantsuit with fake boobs. It’s never really been explained why she was qualified for a General Manager position of a professional wrestling company other than “banged Teddy Long” (implied).

Let’s take a look at the major players and storylines of ECW!

ECW Champion: The current holder of the big silver belt (which was created for Mark Henry, no longer on ECW) is Tommy Dreamer. No, really. People love Tommy Dreamer, didn’t you know? Just kidding, everyone hates Tommy Dreamer. Stupid, fat, balding, plastic pants Tommy Dreamer. He still doesn’t have his own T-shirt by the way, and he’s ostensibly a world champion. He is currently feuding with the recently-returned Christian, who DOES have his own T-Shirt and is still just as awesome as you remember. Lots of internet types grumbled about Christian returning to WWE just to end up on the “C” show, but he’s great here helping teach young guys and make people care about ECW and he’ll be back on the real shows before long.

Other Notables: ECW only has one title, so most of ECW is dealing with random feuds. Vladimir Kozlov is a big Russian military-type dude who is hanging around the world title scene and headbutting dudes in the chest when they jump off the top rope. Yoshi Tatsu is a martial arts enthusiast who just came up from FCW. He’s a legit puro dude who took a huge pay cut to come to America and sign a WWE developmental deal, so right there you know this dude is going to be great. He has spent his first few weeks defeating various people who have come out and been all “MAN DO I HATE ASIANS” when there has never been any indication that these wrestlers were giant racists. These racists include Shelton Benjamin and William Regal. Recently The Hurricane has been spotted backstage, because what the fuck else is Gregory Helms going to do? (Hint: nail TNA’s Velvet Sky.) There is a new weekly talk show-type segment hosting by Abraham Washington, who WWE is really hoping you think looks like The Rock. It’s pretty bad. The most important aspect of ECW is Zack Ryder, whose gimmick is that he is a Long Island douchebag bro. It’s seriously the most inspired gimmick I’ve seen in like ten years. He comes out with hugely moussed hair and yellow-tinted sunglasses, he fixes his hair and does the MySpace ducklips face and says “Woo WOO woo” and Jesus Christ watch ECW just for this guy. He is currently feuding with Tyler Reks over whether Long Island has better surfing than California. (Hint: no.)

ECW is a fun little show to watch. You’ll see new faces all the time and usually some decent wrestling. In all honesty, if you only watch an hour of wrestling every week, choose this or an hour of Smackdown over Raw or TNA across the board. You’ll be entertained more often than not.

See you next time for the State of ROH!

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