TNA iMPACT!

by

TNA iMPACT!

Dave Crumbley

TNACrumbley@gmail.com

http://twitter.com/crumbley

Segment One

Eric Young and Kurt Angle arrive arm in arm in a limo.

Main Event Mafia promo time. There’s about three million people in the group now. Angle is outraged about Foley’s robbery of Kevin Nash’s Legends Championship. Sting caused a distraction and Lashley should have been in the corner. TNA management agreed that it was a sham but Angle allowed the title change under one condition: Foley vs Nash at Hard Justice. Kurt Angle doesn’t feel secure, Foley and Lashley don’t play by the rules. So he had to strike up a deal with the World Elite. There are now five million people in the ring. Eric Young is proud to work with the GOAT, they’ll be unstoppable. His men will do whatever it takes. Young wasn’t given respect, he wasn’t treated like a star. “We’re just like you guys.” He has a new look, green trunks, kneepads and a buzz cut. The World Elite theme song has a strong harmonica backing, good stuff.

Borash with Foley. No one is bigger than TNA. Strap yourselves in, this is going to be a big night.

Segment Two

Eric Young has drawn a line in the sand, he’s starting with Daniels. The Machine Guns enter the scene, goofing off and displaying awe at TNA’s modern camera technology. “I think this is how the kids get their MTV.” Daniels shoves them. While they have been parading around the Impact Zone with signs, the World Elite have been getting noticed. “They’re trying to take our spots.” The Guns decide to accompany Daniels to the ring for his match.

Eric Young defeated Christopher Daniels after a piledriver

These men had a quality fictional tussle. The Guns spent the match flipping through video game instruction manuals and magazines. Gotta find time to brush up on Borderlands coverage. Finish came when Kiyoshi blew Sprite Remix in Daniels’ eyes, making him prone for a the unwritten code breaker.

Segment Three

Team 3D and Beer Money have had their problems but now they must unite. Robert Roode knows Eric Young better than anyone, they traveled the roads together long before TNA ever existed. Eric forgets that he was the same guy who begged Jeff Jarrett for a job. Brother Ray then starts whining about about the Invasion stealing their toy tag team beltz. He’s gonna get them there Euros.

Segment Four

Booker T, Scott Steiner, Doug Williams, & Rob Terry defeated Beer Money & Team 3D when Terry pinned Roode

This match was a backdrop for a ton of dudes brawling. Finish came when Traci pushed Roode off the top rope and Terry hit some kind of choke slam/uranage thing. But really, who cares? THERE’S A RIOT IN THE IMPACT ZONE!

Segment Five

Prison yard brawl time. Some of this was awesome and intense, some of this was awesome and hilarious. Dudes hitting dudes with everything imaginable. Brother Ray had Booker trapped under a table and then hit the table with a chair. They brawled outside where Universal Studios park goers looked on in horror. There was a chair sword fight. Lashley and Joe were being held back from each other by swarm of security. Daniels and the Machine Guns were in the six sided ring beating the hell out of the Bashir and Kiyoshi. Finally the police were called to break it up with an assortment of guns and sticks.

Segment Six

Mike Tenay has never seen a scene like this before, not even during the height of the NWO.

Sarita and Taylor Wilde defeated Traci Brooks and Alyssa Flash when Sarita pinned Flash

The Knockouts’ division is awesome again. Another really fun match, all four of these ladies can work. Baffling why they’ve had Flash in the Raisha Saeed costume for two years.

The Beautiful People are challenging “The Homeless Dirty Butt Hillbillies” to a match at Hard Justice. Velvet vs ODB & Cody Deaner at Hard Justice.

Segment Seven

AJ Styles has been in TNA for seven years and has never seen anything like that. It’s a big deal, but a meteor could hit Earth and it wouldn’t take his focus off of Matt Morgan. He’s just one victory away from the main event at Hard Justice.

Segment Eight

Mike Tenay sits down with Hernandez. He doesn’t know much about the Invasion other than they put him out. Was supposed to be out for six months, managed to be back in three. He was a college football player and an ex marine. Hernandez’ father refused to speak to him for a period after LAX attempted to burn the American flag. No matter what he thinks, Homicide will always be his brother. They’ll win another TNA Tag Team Championship but now it’s his time to chase the TNA World Heavyweight Championship.

Homicide doesn’t want to talk about his tag partner, he’s the X Division champion. Hernandez beat Joe but Homicide is going to hurt him.

Segment Nine

Matt Morgan defeated AJ Styles

For the second straight week, Matt Morgan had the best match of his career. These two have great chemistry in the ring. AJ missed a spring board, gets booted in the face. Takes a ride on the HELLEVATOR for the clean finish.

Segment Ten

“The Pope” D’angelo Dinero is coming, August 16.

JB chases down Kurt Angle in the process of bailing out of the Impact Zone. Abyss, lurking in the shadows, whispers for JB to come over and talk. He’s paranoid about people trying to cash in on Dr. Stevie’s $50,000 bounty. JB would never try to cash in, the hammer in his jacket is strictly for function. Consequences Creed runs distraction and Jay Lethal attacks from behind. They get the better of him but Abyss quickly overpowers.

Segment Eleven

Beginning of Brutus Magnus vs Sting

Segment Twelve

Sting defeated Brutus Magnus by submission

Prototypical rookie vs legend match. Magnus hang with him until making a rookie mistake, getting caught during an axe handle smash attempt and being caught in the Scorpion Deathlock for the submission. Not a star making performance by Magnus but he was perfectly fine and took much of the match. Post match beat down with the World Elite and the Mafia. Foley and Lashley tried to make the save but were quickly overpowered. Who was the savior for TNA? SUPER MEX! Hernandez made his way to the ring swinging a big ass chain over his head as the bad guys bailed. You wanted a war? You got one!

An incredible show, engrossing from start to finish. Not sure what more you can do in two hours. Good wrestling, wild brawls, new stars. This show will be remembered as the genesis of the TNA revolution, the first chapter in the quest for the brave new world. Or it’ll suck. Whatever. Either way, I’ll be watching.

TNA Hard Justice

The Beautiful People vs Cody Deaner and ODB – Knockout’s Championship

Beer Money vs Invasion – IWGP Tag Team Championships

3D vs Booker and Steiner – TNA Tag Team Championship

Joe vs Homicide – X division – X Division Championship

Nash vs Foley – Legends Championship

Sting vs Angle vs ? – TNA World Heavyweight Championship

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One Response to “TNA iMPACT!”

  1. eric864 Says:

    “where Universal Studios park goers looked on in horror.”

    I think it was more like “wtf is this shit” than horror.

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